Timothy Luke - 6 Months Later

October 30th of last year I can remember very vividly. I'm not sure if time will make this memory fade or if I will always remember it just as it was. I remember being scared, I remember that this day was the first time getting an IV almost made me pass out, I remember being some what held together until my water broke and then I lost it, I remember the pain (physical and emotional) and I remember exactly what my sweet little Timothy looked like, every single little detail.

In the days after, I didn't know how I would every get over this. I lost a baby, I lost a child, a child that didn't actually take a breath outside of my womb, how was I supposed to process this, how was I supposed to move on, should I, could I? I remember thinking about what coming to Timothy's due date would feel like. Really, at the time, I couldn't even imagine how I'd make it to that point. Trying to imagine feeling any better then I did at that moment was basically, well, un-imaginalble.

Here I am today, about a week or two past when he was estimated to arrive and I am thankful to say I am in a better place than I was about six months ago. My heart is not fully healed, I haven't gotten over it, and I'm not sure I ever really will, but I'm better. I'm not dwelling on the negative parts of Timothy's loss, but focusing on what good has come from it. 

In my original blog post letting the world know about Timothy I wrote this, "I believe every life should be celebrated, not matter how short that life was. I also believe that God only gives us what we can handle and walks with us in our journey". When I wrote this I knew deep down I believed it and it's words I had shared with others going through hard times, but after experiencing what I have the last couple of month I can actually attest to it. Whole heartedly I can say I actually believe it. 

Honestly, I don't know where I would be if I couldn't rely on God to take the pain away. Yes, my family and friends are great support systems, but they can't physically bear my burden, but my God can, and he did. There were nights and still are, just less often, that I need to add to my prayers that HE please take the pain away to please re-aline my thoughts and almost immediately I would feel my body slump and I could fall asleep. It's hard to explain, but it's a feeling I have never felt prior to losing Timothy and it's like being wrapped in a hug, very real hug. 

Today, my marriage is stronger, friendships are stronger and life in general is a little better. Life is too often taken for granted, again something I think we all know and experience at some point in our life, but having it taken abruptly and so personally it's a personal reminder to live each day to the best of my ability. To not take even the littlest things for granted. I am on this earth for a reason and I need to thank God he chose me to live this life, I am blessed beyond what I deserve. 

There is still healing to be done and I still am taking it day by day. My good days have become much more frequent then bad over the last six months and I'm sure they'll continue that way. I'm not over it, I don't miss Timothy any less, I am just better at processing what has happened, I'm learning to accept it and trust God and his plan for me and our family.

Stay Tuned...