This is a blog I really wish I didn’t have to write, but here I am. I'm going to try and put my thoughts together and share the story of our second child. I believe every life should be celebrated, no matter how short that life was. I also believe that God only gives us what we can handle and walks with us in our journey. I won’t say I happy with God for what we are going through but I can’t say I’m mad either. Most miscarriages aren't talked about for various reasons, but for us, not acknowledging and celebrating this precious life wasn't an option. Here’s our story of Timothy Luke…
Scott and I found out in August we were expecting our second baby and were thrilled! Our second time getting pregnant without the help of modern medicine, we felt so lucky! We had started trying for a baby (or not preventing against one) after Jase turned one. We were giving ourselves until the end of this year to see what my body was going to do (I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome aka PCOS) before we would make an appointment with my doctor to see what could help my body ovulate like a normal person. BUT that hot day in August after feeling yucky for a couple days I decided to take a test to see if I was sick or if possibly I was pregnant… those pink lines were clear as day!
Of course I tested on a weekend Scott was out of town and he didn’t have cell service, I sent a text to my best friend, Kristen, telling her the news because I just cant hold in that kind of excitement. After discussing with Kristen a good way to tell Scott, Jase and I went to Target to find a BIG BROTHER shirt to surprise Scott with. Scott got home that Sunday and I had Jases shirt on him and patiently waited for Scott to notice. It took him almost an hour before I told him to wipe something off Jases face when he noticed the shirt! (MEN!)
It's hard to determine my due dates from my last period because of my PCOS so I made a call to my doctor (who delivered Jase) in Sacramento to see if I could get in for a dating ultrasound. We didn’t think we would keep him as my doctor because we have moved to Lodi, but I knew he'd get me in and we were hoping to tell our parents when we were in Fresno for our 10 Year High School Reunion that following weekend. We wanted that conformation that I was, in fact, pregnant. It’s AMAZING how early that little heart starts beating, I was in between 5 and 6 weeks pregnant at that first ultrasound! It was official, we were going to be a family of FOUR! We had our confirmation, we could tell our parents and hopefully get through the HS reunion without it being obvious I wasn’t drinking!
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| Ultrasound at 5/6 Weeks. Teeny Tiny |
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| Ultrasound at 9 Weeks. Baby Due 4-14-15 |
We went about normal appointments with a new doctor in Lodi and everything was progressing great. At around 8/9 weeks we had another ultrasound to get a estimated due date and found out this new baby was due 10 days after Jases birthday. Blood work was all good, but I did have to start taking iron supplements, like I did when pregnant with Jase. From that appointment to the next I pulled out my doppler we used when I was pregnant with Jase to check in on our little nugget. At my 12 week appointment the nurse did a “belly check” and listened for the heart beat. Baby's heart beat was consistent with what I had found at home and nurse said baby was growing great! We decided after this appointment that it was safe to tell the rest of our family and close friends about our pregnancy, but we’d wait until we found out the sex of the baby to tell the rest of our world. Our 16 week appointment was scheduled early November, we never made it to that appointment.
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| My view looking down when traveling to Notre Dame in October |
On a Thursday evening we decided to do our baby heart beat check with the doppler, it’s just is so re-assuring that theres life in there and always brings a bit of peace. Well, this night it brought worry. We tried for about 15 minutes and could not find a heartbeat. We decided that we would wait out the night and check again in the morning. I know that sometimes these home dopplers can not work right and sometimes babies hide out farther back then normal. So, we went to sleep and tried our best not to worry. Friday morning I got up, drank some orange juice to try and get baby to move around and pulled out the doppler. This time I only tried for 5 minutes and knew something was wrong. We called the doctor and made an appointment for the afternoon. I prayed that we would go to the doctor and they would find the heart beat and tell me to go home and lock away the doppler because it’s causing me worry. Instead it was the opposite.
At around 11 PM that night we got the call that confirmed our little baby had passed. From the ultrasound done at the hospital there wasn't anything found wrong with the baby or myself. We were told to wait it out for a couple days to see if my body would start to miscarry on it’s own and if not I’d be scheduled for an induction. I can’t explain how it felt to walk around with my baby inside me that wasn't alive. I still felt pregnant, I still looked pregnant, but our baby wasn’t with me anymore. That following Monday nothing had happened with my body, so we made an appointment to be induced the following Wednesday. The weirdest feeling to go to Labor and Delivery at the hospital and knowing we weren't leaving with our baby. Wondering how big he/she was, what would he/she look like, how many fingers and toes, would this be a little brother or sister for Jase?
After I was checked in I had pain meds hooked up and ready, my IV of water, took the induction medications and it was now a waiting game. Our doctor had told us these things can take a day or three, it just depended on how my body reacted to the medication. My water broke sometime that afternoon and I think thats when it really hit me what was happening, soon I would be giving birth to our second baby. After my water broke I started to feel some cramping, but I wanted to hold off on the meds as long as I could. I wanted to feel what my body was doing and anticipate labor. Things stalled out a bit as the day turned into night and I kept feeling like I had to pee, but couldn't. Sometime around 11 PM (ish) I was finally able to pee and immediately after the pain started. At this point I started to push my button for meds much more often, but it really wasn't helping much. I honestly didn't expect so much pain form someone so tiny. In reality I didn't know what to expect at all. The nurse was there with us and after a while she put a call into the on-call doctor because she was worried about the amount of blood I was loosing. The doctor got there just in time.
On Thursday, October 30th at 1:13 AM our second child, a baby boy, Timothy Luke was born sleeping at 16 weeks measuring 6 inches long. He was perfect and fully formed. A teeny tiny baby. We got to spend some time with Timothy until the early morning to say our goodbyes, take some pictures and just hold him. I knew he had left his little body a week ago (based on his size at my ultrasound), but saying goodbye with him in my arms felt right.
We brought Timothy’s ashes home about two weeks after he was born and having him home makes me feel so much better, maybe a little closer to what I’m sure will be a long road of healing. My blood work came back showing nothing wrong and the pathology report from the hospital showed nothing wrong with Timothy as well. Timothy’s time had just come, he served his purpose and he needed to go back up to be with God.
We’re all still healing and I’m sure we will be for a while. I often think how big my belly would be, would he be kicking as much as his brother did and would I still be craving pickles, but I have a sliver of peace about it all. Hard to explain, but as mad as I am at God for thinking we are strong enough to deal with this, he shows me daily that he prepared as much as he could to help us through.
I feel like God has been preparing me for this for a long time. Miscarriage was always in the back of my mind when pregnant, not in a bad or negative way, but in a aware way. My grandmother was only able to have my mom and mom suffered a loss in the first trimester before my oldest brother was born. I hate that my mom went through a loss especially after now knowing the emotional/physical pain, but without that I wouldn't have my brothers and I probably wouldn't be here writing this now. I have life because of that baby losing its life and I can’t be mad about that.
Some of you know Scott and I put 3 offers on houses last year before finding the home we live in now. I would pray to God during that time to lead us to the right home, telling him that the process was so exhausting after each offer was declined or we were out bid. This house, however, turned out to be a big blessing. One of our neighbors is a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital I delivered at. We get along great with their family and Jase loves to play with their kids. So through this whole process she was there to answer our never ending questions or watch Jase when we needed and was also there to be my nurse when we checked to be induced. Did I hate why we were at the hospital, yes, but having her there made us more comfortable and relaxed. When our neighbor's shift ended (and after she stayed a few hours past her shift ending) the nurse that took over was amazing as well. As the night went on, she shared with me that she had been where I am two times before. I don’t know what it is about hearing from others who have lost, but it just makes you feel a little better. I don’t feel better because of their loss (that part actually makes my heart sink for how common miscarriage is), but I feel that they might actually understand my pain a little. It helps to know I’m not alone in this, that this isn’t only happening to me.
There has also been an immense amount of love Scott and I have felt from family and friends. The outpouring of love we have felt is nothing less then amazing. Everyone at Scott's work was extremely supportive and understanding which made the process a lot easier. God has shown us his love through our loved ones and we are truly blessed. Scott and I have also grown closer in a new way as well. Our lives have been changed forever and we’re learning together how to heal, how to keep Timothy’s memory alive and how to move on, together.
I won’t lie and tell you everything is OK. Sometimes the days are long and my emotions can take me on a roller coaster. I can’t say I understand why this happened (I ask God to help me understand daily) and I can’t say that I’m ok with it. These things will hopefully come with time. How much time, who knows? But we are healing more and more every day.
My God is so big and so great. Through the sadness I have faith in him. Faith that HE has a plan for our life and hope that we’ll be blessed in the future with the ability to grow our family how God sees fit. We thank God for giving us 16 weeks with Timothy in my womb. We thank him that we listened to the doppler that night instead of finding out at an ultrasound that Timothy had passed. This allowed Scott and I to take time and think about what we wanted to do and how to proceed with the miscarriage. We’re thankful that I got to labor and birth him instead of him being taken away in medical procedure and that we got to have him cremated so he could be home with us. There’s is a lot for us to be mad about, but we are choosing to look at the positive impact Timothy has left on our life.
I won’t lie and tell you everything is OK. Sometimes the days are long and my emotions can take me on a roller coaster. I can’t say I understand why this happened (I ask God to help me understand daily) and I can’t say that I’m ok with it. These things will hopefully come with time. How much time, who knows? But we are healing more and more every day.
My God is so big and so great. Through the sadness I have faith in him. Faith that HE has a plan for our life and hope that we’ll be blessed in the future with the ability to grow our family how God sees fit. We thank God for giving us 16 weeks with Timothy in my womb. We thank him that we listened to the doppler that night instead of finding out at an ultrasound that Timothy had passed. This allowed Scott and I to take time and think about what we wanted to do and how to proceed with the miscarriage. We’re thankful that I got to labor and birth him instead of him being taken away in medical procedure and that we got to have him cremated so he could be home with us. There’s is a lot for us to be mad about, but we are choosing to look at the positive impact Timothy has left on our life.
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| Timothy's Ashes |
You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will. - John 13:7
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. - Isaiah 43:2
The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. - Psalm 145:13
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. - Isaiah 43:2
The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. - Psalm 145:13
Stay Tuned…
